I Don't Want to be Me Anymore

I'm tired of the me that i have created, but now i have nothing to change into.
What do you do when all that you know, has no worth left in your soul.

Where do you go, to get back what you've lost, squandered and thrown away.
How do you reinvent yourself, when you have no one to look to for success.

Whats it matter when you've got nothing left, why do they stick around?
They're just waiting for the crash, the burn, total and utter failure.

Lawn seats and a bag of popcorn, front row seats for the end,
Not the end of physical life, but all that is mental and emotional.

When you are the reason for all your own failures,
Who gives a shit what they see... no way a real life jedi...

Life is a pile of steaming bullshit, a web weaved no escape
Get yours, before anyone else, and screw the inbetween

But if we all play that game, the world will become, a sorry place indeed
Why give a shit for me, when all i am, is a wasted... empty... worthless, shell... of a man

Questions for Myself

Every day I question myself, the thoughts of who I am,
Trying to make sure that I’m not living just another scam
Living my life, by any means necessary, just to get by
To stay alive, for another day, all I can do is try

Every day I question myself, the thoughts of what I am,
I don’t feel human, or even alive, my life is just a sham,
Don’t waste your time, I’m a waste of matter and space
Don’t look or remember, just try to forget my face.

Every day I question myself, the thoughts of where I am,
I’m going nowhere, but running there, living life on the lamb.
I’ve got no direction, no navigation, its just an endless night,
Wishing for something, more than myself, maybe a guiding light.

Every day I question myself, the thoughts of why I am,
I can’t figure it out, so alone in the dark, its here that I stand
Alone and drifting, trying to find someone who understands
Maybe one day I’ll find that person, true love, holding hands.

Hopefully one day, I wont question myself, ever again…

The ME Within...

I’ve noticed my life has kinda been stinkin,
So I decided to start doin some serious thinking’
I started writing, some words and a verse,
I wrote it all down, shouted a curse

Its then that I realized my life is the same

The one question that remains is simple, why?
I am in this alone, in all aspects save one,
I am my only champion, for me, I try,
Awaken anew, like the rising sun.

A fresh start again, this time, its no game

I will only change, if it comes from within
To cage or force me is a cardinal sin
Only as a whole person can I be free
Drugs are a cage, one that I didn’t see

Time to move on, grow up, stop living lame.

School

Yeah, the title kinda explains it, and those of you who know me, know the rest... but for anyone else... here goes

Monday, the 8th, I started classes for the semester... my first full semester in almost 2 years... last semester was a 1/2 load of gen ed. requirements, after a 1 year break to recover my financial status to get back into school.

I'm now in my last semester at Vincennes University, in the Robotics Major... as of today i have 108 days till graduation... which is like 75 school days...

I graduate April 28, 2007.

Its hard this semester... really hard... I have class mon/wed from 8am to 5pm, tues thurs from 8am to 11am, and fridays from 1p-5p.
I work monday through friday nights, 11pm, to 7am... so that means my classes are all like night classes... monday class is tough to make sure i get up in time, and friday is tough cause of the urge to sleep... UGGG

for anyone out there looking at the clock and going, that means i get "life and sleep" between the hours of 5pm and 11pm... yup, youre right, cept tues/thurs... thats from 1p-11p... (meetings)

yeah, this is murder on my body... and im planning a vacation from life immediately following graduation... for about a week... for sleep... sleep... and maybe a coma... lol

so read on, check out what i write, and stay tuned for my book... A Journey in Pictures, Short Stories, and Poetry, through American Counter Culture... The Soft Underbelly, of the Great White Beast...

the tattered and the broken

when all else fails, no air for your sails,
you stop moving... stop breathing... thinking...

its a path that repeats, like a broken record,
not moving, traveling, like a rusted ford

its a burned out match, a broken latch,
a dead fish, the worthless catch

like fools gold, or so im told,
valued as a paper weight, but if you set it straight

its a broken line called life

Splattered Thoughts

I’ve got a lot of mixed emotions… floating around inside
No home of their own, not even a corner to go hide.

They sit, whirl, twist and spin, looking for a reason
A reason for being, a reason feeling, a reason to feel

To feel something, anything, everything at once.

I write because paper is an outlet, maybe a vice
I can speak my thoughts, but get confused,
Right now I feel emotionally used,
Tossed away, discarded, like a shell of rice

A place to call home, no longer a “place of my own”
The start of a family, beginning with honesty,
But where will this new life begin to lead me?

Setting out on a strangely familiar path,
It’s a journey im willing to take…

Life is the journey,
not the destination
Not the gains of money
Not following in formation

Build your dreams, and set them free
It’s the way I live, love and let be

Let me be me, and you be you,
I cant wait, to see tomorrow through
Hopefully you’ll be there, but maybe not
Like flowered gardens, without care, they rot

Nothing to do but just wait and see,
For you to come back, I have to set you truly free.

You’re an angel in waiting, making me see
That the life im living isn’t the way to be

don’t give up on me, and I wont for you
And in the land of tomorrow, we’ll see this through…

The Greatest Feeling

Sometimes sad and sometimes happy,
Its my life as I have made it to be.
Full of mistakes and sometimes success,
But its all what makes me, ME.

The greatest feeling in the world
Is knowing you’re not alone.
That someone’s out there thinking,
About you and only you.

How do you return that feeling
When you’re scared beyond believing?
Can you turn that fear, into something more
Love for a girl, you really adore?

The greatest feeling in the world
Is knowing that someone cares.
That someone’s out there wishing,
You were right there by their side.